Chapter Ten

Ten

May 19, 1993

            Bailee whooped with joy and waved goodbye to her second grade schoolmates as she hopped off the bus. The schoolmates that she wouldn’t see until next year.

            “Bye, Sara. Goodbye, Miles.” She waved to the students that had gotten off the bus with her as they went the opposite way.

She trudged down the sidewalk, adjusting her heavy backpack from one side to the other. She didn’t really want to go home. At home was shouting and unhappiness. But at school there were lots of happy kids that had happy mommies and daddies; kind teachers like Ms. Stull. She had been Bailee’s second grade teacher, and she had loved her. She had a great big smile that seemed to make her eyes sparkle. A kind of smile that Bailee never saw at home. And Ms. Stull liked to hug her, and she always smelled good. She had a smell that reminded her of butterflies. Mommy didn’t usually smell like that, but she still smelled good, in her own sort of way.

Bailee turned the corner and made her way to the small, yellow house that sat second on Cinnamon Street. She swung open the dilapidated, old gate of the front yard, wondering why their grass was always so much longer than the other people’s on this street. Sometimes Mommy mowed it, and once in a while Ava and Sydney did, but mostly Mommy. Ava wasn’t around much, and really, she almost like it better when she wasn’t. When Ava was home there seemed to be extra shouting and grumpiness, and so Bailee would just sit in a corner with her hands over her ears until they were done. But sometimes it took a long time for them to be done, and so it was just easier when Ava wasn’t there.

She opened the front door and soundlessly made her way to the bedroom she shared with Kylie in case Daddy was sleeping on the couch. The last thing she wanted to do was disturb him. After dropping her backpack on her bed and kicking off her shoes, she made her way to the kitchen, being extra quiet as she passed Daddy snoring loudly on the couch. Sometimes when she tried to be very quiet, Daddy would still wake up. Then he would be really angry at her, and sometimes he would hit her. She was kind of scared of him; well, actually, she was really scared of him, but she tried not to let him see, because Kylie had told her it made it worse if you let him see you were scared. She didn’t really see a difference one way or another, but Kylie must know.

Bailee stood in the entrance of the kitchen and watcher her mother move about the kitchen, humming something. Mommy was wearing her funny apron, the one that said, “Eat your grapes!” She thought Sydney had gotten that for Mommy last year for her birthday, but she wasn’t sure.

Mommy turned around and when she saw Bailee, she got a big smile on her face. “Hi, sweetie.” She reached out her arms and Bailee ran to them, wrapping her scrawny arms around her and hugging her tightly.

“How’s my big girl, hmm?” Mommy kissed the top of her head, and Bailee gave her an extra squeeze before she let go. She loved these times when she came home from school with Mommy. This was one of her only times to have a chance to be alone with her. Kylie didn’t come home till almost a half hour after her, and Sydney and Ava didn’t come home till close to 4:00. But today, with it the last day of school, Bailee had to make it extra special since they wouldn’t be having anymore alone time for a while.

“How was your last day of school, Bailee?” Mommy asked as she pulled a pan of cookies out of the oven. They smelled like chocolate chip, and when Mommy wasn’t looking, Bailee stole some of the dough to see for sure.

“It was ok. Mandy didn’t want to sit by me at lunch because she was going to Elizabeth’s birthday party and I’m not.”

“Did you get it all worked out?”

She shrugged. “She played with me at recess, so I guess so.”

“Good.” Mommy got out a napkin and placed two cookies on it, setting it on the table. “Sit down Bailee, and I’ll get your milk.”

“Thanks.” Bailee ate the cookies slowly, reveling in the warm, gooey taste that she didn’t get to enjoy very often. Mommy must have made them as a special treat since it was the last day of school.

Bailee watched Mommy pull out the last pan of cookies and set them on the stovetop to cool. Then she removed the apron, hung it on a hook, and left the kitchen, giving Bailee’s shoulder a gentle squeeze as she went by. Bailee knew what Mommy was doing. She was getting ready for work, wherever it was. Daddy used to be the one to go to work, but then he stopped and Mommy started going. Now Daddy either slept on the couch all day or was gone. Whenever he came home he was always extra grouchy and mean and scary, and he had a weird smell that bothered Bailee’s nose.

Bailee finished her cookies and milk and threw away the napkin, then went upstairs to play with her stuffed animals on her bed. Only a few minutes had gone by when Bailee heard the front door open. She knew Kylie was home. Soon, her sister made an appearance at the bedroom door.

“Hi, Kylie.”

Kylie smiled really big, something she hardly ever did. “Hi, Bailee.” Kylie went and hung her backpack in the closet and jumped around, clasping her hands in front of her. “Guess what?” Kylie didn’t wait for an answer, but started telling Bailee “what”. “Ellie asked me to come to her birthday party! I’m so excited! I hope Mommy says yes.”

“Daddy will say no.”

The excitement didn’t leave Kylie’s eyes, though her voice lost some enthusiasm. “You’re right. Maybe I can ask Mommy and she won’t tell Daddy.”

“Ask Mommy what, sweetie?” Mommy had just walked by their door, looking really pretty in a fancy pink shirt and gray skirt.

“Oh, Mommy, Ellie asked me to come to her party. Can I go, Mommy?”

Mommy smiled softly. “We’ll see, honey. I have to go now, but we’ll talk about it later, ok?” Mommy hugged them both and told them she loved them, then left. They were in the care of Daddy, but they always just hoped that he would sleep the whole time. Most of the time he did. It was only once in a while that he got up, and then if he did, he usually left, which scared Kylie and Bailee too, because they didn’t like to be left alone.

Bailee told Kylie about the cookies and while Kylie went and ate some Bailee played with her stuffed animals some more. When Kylie was done they played Barbie’s together.

Sydney and Ava came home at their usual time, and ate cookies too, and then Ava lied on her bed reading a magazine and listening to music on her headphones, like she always seemed to do. Bailee really never spent much time with her. Which, she supposed was understandable since Ava was eleven years older than her and had better things to do then play Barbie’s. Still, it would be nice for Ava to acknowledge her once in a while.

Sydney took a walk with Dizzy, their little terrier. Bailee knew that Sydney was the only one who took Dizzy out for walks. Mommy was too busy, Kylie was too young to go by herself, and Ava just didn’t care.

It had taken a lot of convincing for Mom to let them have Dizzy. Dad didn’t care one way or another, but Mommy had said that it was too much work to take care of with her having to work and them at school. But finally, after much begging and pleading, Mommy gave in.

“Bailee? I just asked Meg to come play with Carrie.”

Kylie’s words brought Bailee back. She looked down at the doll that Kylie was holding. “Sorry. Yes, I’ll come and play with you, Carrie.” Bailee made her voice sound high and squeaky.

They played for several hours before they heard Daddy get up, and when they did, the subconsciously shrunk further into their bedroom and started talking quieter. It didn’t matter. Daddy didn’t come upstairs. They heard the front door open and close, and then Daddy’s car start. He was leaving to go to the place he always went to. Bailee had asked Mommy one time, and she had told her that it was a bad place called a bar. Bailee knew what bars were, but she didn’t understand why Daddy thought it was so fun to go to them, especially since that was the place that always made him the scariest.

Ava finally came out of her bedroom and warmed up the meal Mommy had fixed them—chicken, green beans and muffins—and the four girls sat down to eat, not bothering to save any for Daddy. He wouldn’t be home till long after they were in bed, anyway. The meal was eaten and cleaned up in silence.

Mommy got home around 8:00 and put Bailee to bed, hugging her tightly. Bailee could smell that aroma that belonged to her Mommy only, and it made her hug her tighter. “Don’t leave me, Mommy. Please don’t leave me.”

Mommy kissed her head and then lay down beside her. Bailee knew Mommy would be gone when she woke up, but it was a comfort to fall asleep with her beside her. She dozed off, holding tightly to Mommy’s hand.

As the days past, Bailee got more excited about her birthday. She would be turning seven on this Saturday, which was only three days away. She hoped Mommy would bake her a butterfly cake, but Mommy always kept the cakes a secret until the special day.

On Saturday, Bailee woke to Mommy, Sydney, Kylie and Ava standing over her bed singing to her.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birth…”

            The front door slammed and they all heard heavy clomping up the stairs. “Would you all just shut up!” The singing stopped as abruptly as if a door had shut on it. Daddy stood in Kylie and Bailee’s doorway, looking horrible. Bailee was pretty sure he’d stayed out all night long.

            Bailee shrunk back, not missing the wild look in her father’s eyes.

            Daddy’s eyes found her, and his lip curled up in a sneer. “Having a party for dear little Bailee, are we?” He came closer and Bailee tried to hide her fear, but she started shaking anyway. He reached for her chin and she jerked away, knowing right away it was the worst thing she could’ve done.

            Daddy’s hand came down against her cheek before she had time to even react. The pounding blow sent her head reeling. Tears came to her eyes, and she squeezed them tightly shut.

            Daddy grabbed for her chin again, and this time she let him grip it in a painful hold, yanking her face to look at him. “Do not ever jerk away from me when I touch you. Do you understand me?” Daddy’s voice was not quiet or controlled. He was angry, terribly angry, a thought that made Bailee shake all the more.

            “Yes s-sir, D-Daddy. I-I-I’m sorry.” The tears flowed now, and they would only make the pounding in her head worse.

            Daddy pushed her chin away roughly and turned around, heading for the door and calling her a bad name as he did so.

            When he was gone from the room, Mommy came and sat down next to Bailee, wrapping her arms around her skinny frame. “I’m so sorry, honey. I’m so sorry.” Bailee just sat there shaking. It was a fairly normal thing for Daddy to hit them, but it never seemed to make her act more normal every time he did it. In fact, she seemed to get worse. She couldn’t help her violent shaking when he got angry, and that always made her stutter. Daddy didn’t like the stuttering, and that was bad, because the only person she did it around was him.

            “Would you finish singing to me, please?” Bailee asked with a quivering of her chin, wiping her hands over her face.

            Mommy gave her a kiss on the head and stood and they all sang the birthday song again, being much quieter this time.

            When they all left her, Bailee got dressed and then went down for her birthday breakfast, which was a pancake in the shape of a smiley face with whipped cream hair. After breakfast, Mommy took her out shopping, and she got some new clothes and a new teddy bear.

            Mommy told her she was sorry on the way home, because she had to leave for work and wouldn’t be there for all of Bailee’s birthday. Bailee told her it was ok, but inside she really wished that Mommy could be there. Mommy had a way of making birthdays fun, even when Daddy was there, but Bailee knew she didn’t have a choice about going to work or staying home, so she said it was fine.

            That night Bailee tinkered around on the piano, waiting for Mommy to get home so they could have cake. Mommy was the only one who played the piano, though she was working on giving Sydney lessons. She didn’t get to play it often, but Bailee liked to listen to her when she did, because she sounded so good.

            Bailee heard Daddy come down the stairs and stopped playing. She hadn’t known he was here.

            Daddy made his way through the living room, acting like she wasn’t there, mumbling about something. He went to the kitchen and rummaged around in the cupboards, pulling out random things. He came out carrying a bowl of chips and a dark bottle, sat down in front of the TV, and flipped it on, watching a ball game. Bailee knew she couldn’t play the piano anymore. Daddy would get angry because he wouldn’t be able to hear his game. She watched him unseen from the piano bench. Shoving chips in his mouth. Taking long swigs from the bottle.

            Bailee hated it. She hated the things that made him act like this. When he was done she would go to the fridge and take out every brown bottle and throw them out. If beer was what made him scary, then she would throw it away, and then he’d be happy again. She knew he would.

            But Daddy didn’t go upstairs for a long time. And Bailee knew she couldn’t throw out his beer with him there. So she went upstairs and wandered around, seeing what her sisters were up to.

            She knocked on Ava’s door. No answer. She knocked louder. Still no answer. Finally Bailee just opened the door. Ava was lying on her bed with her headphones again, staring at the ceiling.

            “Ava?” When Ava didn’t respond, Bailee went and turned off her sister’s music. Ava sat up and took off the headphones. “What do you want?”

            Bailee sat cross-legged on her bed. “Well, you know how Daddy’s beer makes him angry?”

            Ava’s face looked puzzled. “What?”

            “I mean, when he drinks it too much, he gets angry and scary and hits us.”

            Recognition dawned on her sister’s face along with more than a touch of anger and resentment. “Oh. Yeah. So?”

            “So, I was thinking, when he leaves or goes to bed tonight or whatever, we can throw it all away.”

            “Don’t be stupid, Bailee. Don’t you think he’d care? Once he found out there wouldn’t only be a beating for you. We’d all get one. We’d all get in major trouble.”

            Bailee looked down. “Oh. I guess I didn’t really think of that.”

            Ava took her hand and squeezed it. “I want the same thing as you, Bailee. Really. I want Dad to stop drinking and hitting and whatever. And maybe we just have to wait, and he will. He really didn’t used to be like that. He was nicer. Not like everyone else’s dads who give their kids anything they want and dote on them and stuff, but he was nice to us and he didn’t drink.”

            Bailee looked into her sister’s eyes, and the subdued rage there scared her. “What happened?”

            “Oh, I don’t know. He just started going out for drinks here and there, every couple nights, you know. Soon he didn’t always come home at night. Then, before you know it, he’s like a major alcoholic. And he lost his job. And that’s the end of the story, Bailee.”

            Bailee looked past her sister at the wall behind her head, remembering. “Sometimes I feel like I can remember how he used to be. Like when I’m trying to go to sleep I see it, like little pictures. I see him smiling. A nice, real smile, not like the kind he does now.” Bailee thought of the sneer he’d given her this morning, and she gently touched her bruised cheek.

            “Yeah? Well, maybe you do remember.” Ava looked at her cheek that had turned blue and tenderness transformed her eyes. She reached out and hugged Bailee.

            Bailee clung to her. “I love you, Ava. Please don’t ever go away.” Ava didn’t say anything, just kept holding her.