Chapter Eleven

Eleven

            Spring transformed to summer, the grass in front of the yellow house on Cinnamon Street growing knee high. Bailee would mow it if she could, but she knew she couldn’t. Besides her being too small, their mower was half broken and a pain in the neck to push, or so Sydney and Ava said. And now that Ava was away at college… well, who knew when it would get done.

            Bailee ran around the high grass, playing with Dizzy. Mommy was at work again, and Daddy was watching TV again with his beer. She had thrown the idea of getting rid of his drink out the window after her talk with Ava, when she realized how badly she would be punished.

            “Hey, Bailee!” Bailee looked out of the gated yard at Miles Gunner, who stood there holding a stick. His knees were covered in dirt, and so was his face. The snot running from his nose—mixing messily with the dirt—made him look more like a five-year-old than the close to nine-year-old that he was.

            “Oh, hi Miles.” Bailee came and leaned on the fence, Dizzy making wild circles around them. “Whatcha doin’?”

            Miles shook his head, getting his shaggy blond hair out of his pale blue eyes. “Digging for worms so my frog will have something to eat. Wanna help?”

            “Your frog eats worms?”

            Miles shrugged and one dirty strand of hair fell over his left eye. “I dunno; I’ve never given ‘em to him. But I’m gonna dig for some and see if he likes ‘em. Wanna help?” He asked again.

            “Sure. But I gotta ask my dad first.” Bailee ran inside and found Daddy right where she knew he’d be, watching some dumb commercial on the television. “Daddy?”

            Daddy didn’t even spare her a glance. With his eyes glued to the screen where some women was holding up a can of something and smiling, he replied, “What, kid?”

            “Can I go play with Miles?”

            “Who’s Miles?”

            “My friend from down the street. We’re digging for worms.”

            “Why do you think I care, kid?” He lifted the remote and changed the channel, but it was fuzzy. He changed to another, and when it was fuzzy as well, he swore.

            Bailee faltered. “Well, Mommy makes me ask for per—”

            “I don’t care what ‘Mommy’ says. You’re always ‘Mommy this’ and ‘Mommy that’.” Daddy made a nasty face and made his voice high and nasal to mock her. “For all I care, you could go to the—”

Bailee clapped her hands over her ears. She didn’t like it when Daddy yelled at her.

“Just leave me alone.”

            When Bailee didn’t move, he called her the name she was getting familiar with. She’d tried calling Dizzy it one time when she’d peed on the floor, and Mommy had washed her mouth out with soap. Bailee didn’t understand why Daddy was allowed to say it and she wasn’t.

            She ran outside to where Miles was waiting. “He said yes.”

They wandered down the sidewalk, digging in random places with sticks looking for worms. Miles carried along an empty jar, and after they’d been out for an hour, he still had no worms.

            “I don’t think this is working, Miles. Wanna go to the park instead?” Bailee offered. She was really getting tired of digging in the dirt, but she wouldn’t have told Miles that. He was her best friend in the whole world.

            Miles sighed and stood, stowing the baby food jar in his pocket. Bailee guessed he’d stolen it from the trash after his mom had finished feeding Ally, his little sister. “I guess.” He started running. “Race you there!” He hollered over his shoulder, his hair flopping all around.

            “Hey!” But Bailee wasn’t worried. With her long legs she dashed after him, barely beating him by an inch at the park entrance.

            Miles leaned over his knees. “No fair!”

            “Race you to the swings!” Bailee said and started jogging again. She reached her favorite swing and hopped on, digging her toes in the ground to give herself a giant push. She looked over her shoulder at Miles, but he wasn’t running. He was walking to her, holding a worm proudly in his fingers with a big smile on his grimy face. “Look, Lee-Lee, I found a worm after you dashed off. I’ll save it for Pete.” He shoved the poor worm into the jar and then closed the lid tightly.

            Bailee thought the worm would die because he had no air, but she didn’t say so. Maybe Pete liked dead worms just as well as live ones.

            Miles joined her on the swings. “Say, Bailee, you think he’ll eat it?”

            “I don’t know. I thought he liked crickets.”

            “Yeah. Maybe we shoulda’ looked for them instead.” He gave a great pump. “Oh, well. Hey, Bailee, what’d ya do to your cheek?”

            Bailee fingered the bruise that was turning an ugly yellow-brown color and turned red. “Um… I ran into the wall the other day.” She had run into the wall… in a sense. Daddy had been angry at her and Kylie so he’d hit them both, sending them across the room. Bailee had hit the back of her head against the wall, so it really was a half-truth.

            “Huh. I fell down our basement stairs yesterday, but I didn’t get hurt. Mom had left a laundry basket by the top, but I didn’t see it and I tripped over it.”

            “Too bad.” Bailee knew what his basement stairs were like, and it was a wonder he didn’t hurt himself. They were steep and had the most threadbare carpet on them. She’d been kinda scared to go on them herself, especially since there wasn’t a railing.

            “Yeah, well, Mom gave me ice cream to make up for it, so I didn’t mind so much.”

            If only she got ice cream when she got hurt. They barely ever had ice cream since Mommy said they didn’t have extra money. It was an occasional piece of candy or nothing at all.

            They played at the park for an hour or more before Mile’s oldest brother Danny—who was fourteen— came and told him that Mrs. Gunner wanted him home. Bailee said goodbye but didn’t head home. She didn’t want to be with Daddy. Not just yet. She swung on the swing for a long time, imagining that her life was like Miles. A mommy who was always home. A daddy who came home happy and smiley with kind, sparkly eyes. Who played and wrestled on the floor with his kids. Bailee had been at the Gunners’ house many times before when Mr. Gunner would come home and pick up his kids, squeezing them hard and tickling them, making them laugh and squeal. She always stood in the back, watching, wishing. She hated leaving the gunners house because Mr. Gunner was always so nice to her. He didn’t get angry or ever lose his temper.

            Bailee gave an extra hard pump, watching her shadow on the dirt swing back and forth, back and forth. Miles often asked her if he could come to her house, but she always made some excuse. Daddy wouldn’t want him there, and Miles wouldn’t want to be there with Daddy if he saw him. The Gunners had never met Daddy.

            Finally, after letting the swing glide back and forth until it slowed and finally stopped, she slid off and started meandering home, picking some wildflowers in the field by the park. Maybe she would give them to Mommy.

            Bailee reached the back door of the house and pushed it open, wiping a strand of her dark hair out of her eyes as they scanned the kitchen.

            “Mommy?” She knew she was here somewhere because she had seen her little blue car outside. “Mommy!”

            “Bailee, hush! Dad’s gonna get mad.” Sydney scowled at her from where she perched on the kitchen counter, reading a book and stirring something in a pot.

            Bailee peered in at the steaming mixture. “What’s that?”

            Sydney flipped a page of her book. “Pudding. Mom said to make some for dessert tonight.”

            Bailee sniffed appreciatively. “Yum-m-m. We haven’t had pudding in forever.”

            Sydney’s mouth turned up a bit on one side. “I know.” She gave the pudding a sharp stir, and it sloshed dangerously up one side of the pan.

            Bailee suddenly remembered the wilted flowers in her hand. “Well, do you know where Mommy is?”

            “I think she’s getting a shower. Why?”

            “I have these for her.” Bailee held up the drooping, pathetic-looking flowers. “Could you get a cup for me to put them in?”

            “Sure.” Sydney reached behind her and got a cup out of the cabinet, handing it to Bailee.

            “Thanks.” Bailee filled the cup with water and set the flowers in it, then put the arrangement in the middle of the table.

            All at once they heard a door slamming loudly upstairs and then shouting. Daddy was yelling about something, but they couldn’t decipher what. It sounded like a lot of swearing. Bailee heard a voice that sounded like Mommy’s, but she supposed it could’ve been Kylie’s too. The girl voice pleaded something, and they heard a dull thud, followed by a soft whimper.

            There was pounding down the stairs and Bailee instinctively moved closer to Sydney, who rested a hand on her little sister’s head in a protective gesture.

            The front door opened and closed, and when they were sure it was safe to come out, Sydney said, “Come on, Bailee. Let’s make sure she’s ok.” She hopped off the counter, leaving her book, and raced up the stairs, Bailee following right behind.

            They reached their parents’ bedroom and Bailee peeked around the corner, relief flowing through her when she saw her mother standing in front of the mirror instead of collapsed somewhere like she was sometimes after Daddy hit her.

            “What happened, Mom?” Sydney asked her, going into the room.

            Mommy leaned close to the mirror, and that’s when Bailee saw the swelling gash on the side of Mommy’s forehead. She turned around, giving them a tremulous smile. “Nothing much. He was just a little angry, that’s all.” She gave an extra smile for their benefit. “Really, I’m fine. Now, I’m going to go clean this up, then get dinner fixed, ok?”

            Sydney avoided Bailee’s and Mom’s eyes as she went out of the room, muttering about her pudding. Bailee thought she might either be crying or really, really angry. She seemed to get angrier about Daddy lately than she used to.

            Bailee tagged along with Mommy as she went in the bathroom, pulling peroxide and a cotton ball out of the cabinet. Bailee watched as she cleaned the cut. “Mommy, why do you stay here if Daddy hurts you… and us?”

            Mommy’s eyes filled with tears as she looked at Bailee through the mirror. “Oh, sweetie…” She turned and engulfed Bailee in a hug, rubbing her back and kissing her head. “Baby, I love Daddy and I’m married to him. I want to stay with him and make him a better man again.” Mommy pulled back and searched Bailee’s eyes. “Do you understand?”

            A tear trickled down Bailee’s face. “I… I d-don’t think s-so.”

            Mommy hugged her again, a low moan coming from deep within her. “You will someday, sweetheart, you will.” She stood and went back to cleaning the cut. After it was finished, she put away the medicine, and then paused, giving Bailee a soft smile. “And you know God wants me to stay with him, right?”

            Bailee nodded solemnly and right then and there, she realized just how much she loved her mother. She also didn’t think she’d ever understand.

            The June after Bailee turned eight, Daddy hurt Mommy the most he ever had, sending her to the hospital for a broken arm and stitches in the back of her head. Daddy went away for a couple days, causing Bailee, Kylie, and Sydney to stay at the Gunner’s house overnight.

            They walked in the door of the Gunner’s spacious home with timid smiles on their faces and hope shining in their eyes. This was like a vacation with extra brothers and sisters. They all ran to greet the Steven sisters as she entered—Miles approaching first who threw his arms around Bailee. Maggie, the shy little five-year-old stood next to her mother, following like her like a shadow. Twelve-year-old Steven came in next, toting his two-year-old little sister, who was a terror. Finally Danny made his appearance, and soon there was as much loud chattering and laughing as if they’d been together all their lives. That was the most fun they’d had in a long time, and they were all close to tears when they left to go home the next day.

            They had to help out with the house for Mommy since her arm was in a bulky cast, but Bailee didn’t mind. As long as Daddy wasn’t there, they could pretend things were normal. But all too soon, he was there again, being the tyrant and monster that terrified Bailee, even in her nightmares.

           

One day, ten-year-old Bailee had come down the stairs when she saw her mother sitting on the couch in the living room with Kylie sitting beside her, her cheek cradled in Mommy’s hand, a tender, loving look in her eyes. “You are such a beautiful girl, you know that? I love you, Kylie, so much.” Mommy had wrapped her arms around her, stroking Kylie’s long, curly hair that was a beautiful blond. Kylie’s gorgeous, blue eyes had filled with love and devotion, and Bailee had ducked out of sight, feeling her first affects of the jealousy that would plague her for years. Kylie was the prettiest one of all of them, even though Sydney with dark blond hair and pale blue eyes and pixie face came in close second. Ava was still beautiful with her sad-looking hazel eyes and light brown hair. But Bailee had always been the “plain Jane”. The one that wasn’t noticed. It was always, “Kylie, look how beautiful you’ve gotten!” or, “Sydney, you have become such a gorgeous young lady.”

            People never said that to Bailee. Could be because of her boring brown eyes and straight, unexciting, dark brown hair. She lied to herself countless times by saying it didn’t bother her, but she knew in her heart that it really did. Even Dad seemed to fall prey to Kylie’s beauty sometimes, never seeming to hit her as much or get angry at her.

            When Bailee turned eleven she stopped calling Dad “Daddy. It sounded like an endearing term, and when she spoke of him or to him, it was anything but endearing. She would call him the worst name she could think of if she could, and in her mind she often did just that.

Now Bailee was only a few weeks away from being fifteen, and she hated him more than ever. He had no right. He had no right to beat them, to manhandle them and act as if his precious family were nothing more than his own personal punching bags. It wasn’t fair, and Bailee hated it. She hated him. She knew if Mom heard that, she would be sad and tell Bailee to honor her father and love him and pray for him, even if sometimes it seemed useless.  But Mom didn’t know it, and Bailee refused to pray for him. He was an animal that didn’t deserve praying for. He deserved to rot in a dark, black hole, or better yet, the flaming lake of fire. Bailee would love to watch Dad stuck down there, crying, begging for mercy. But it would be too late. He would have lost his chance. And she would laugh at him and tell him what a sorry—

            “Bailee, have you heard a word I said?”

            Bailee jerked her head up and looked at Kylie, who was standing over her, hands on hips with a miffed look on her face.

            Bailee sighed and shifted positions on her bed, trying not to look too bored. “Sorry, Kylie. What’d you say?” Kylie had just turned seventeen yesterday, and was going out with friends for a party tonight. She was driving Bailee crazy with her rambling about Luke Brannigan who would be coming with them. Bailee had seen Luke before, and honestly, she really didn’t think that he was as good-looking as Kylie made him out to be.

            “C’mon, Bailee. You have to admit he’s cute.”

            “I don’t have to admit anything. Honestly, I think his ears are too big and so are his teeth.”

            Kylie crossed her arms. “Well, you know you don’t have to come with us tonight.”

            Bailee groaned. “Yes, I do. Mom wants me to… to hold you in line.” She grinned. “But I don’t think it’ll work so well.” Plus, Bailee liked to think of this as partly her birthday party too, since her birthday was in two weeks on May thirtieth.

            With Ava roaming the world and Sydney at college, Kylie and Bailee had formed a strong bond, although they had already been really close. Kylie was Bailee’s best friend, though she didn’t know if Kylie felt quite the same way. She seemed pretty drawn to Faith, a girl she’d met at church. Faith was a good girl and fun to be around, Bailee supposed, but she wasn’t her type. She was much too outgoing and rambunctious, when Bailee would much rather sit calmly and read books all day.

            Bailee got off the bed and stretched. “Who all’s going to be at this party again? And where is it?”

            Kylie held a knee-length summery dress in front of her and stood before the mirror admiring it. “Well, let’s see, Faith will be there, of course, and Luke, and Steven Gunner, Alina, and Rachel. Oh, and you,” She added as an afterthought. “Miles will be there too… I guess he can keep you company. And we’ll be going bowling and then to Duffy’s Diner. What do you think of this dress, Bailee? Think I should wear it tonight?” Kylie twirled in the dress. “The blue flowers on it match my eyes exactly.”

            Jealousy surfaced and Bailee tried to shove it down. “Um… sure, if you want. Although you have been wearing it a lot lately, you know.”

            Kylie looked disappointed. “Only twice.”

            “Yeah, in the past week.” Bailee pointed out.

            “That’s true, I guess.” Kylie dropped the dress on her bed. “Oh, I don’t know what to wear!” She moaned as she sagged down on the edge of it.

            “Well… what should I wear?” Bailee ventured to ask.

            Kylie looked up. “I don’t know. You’ll look great in anything.”

            Bailee couldn’t resist. “And what will make my eyes stand out?”

            Kylie waved a hand at her and pick up the dress again as if it were more important than Bailee and her questions. Bailee wanted to snatch it from her hands; it was annoying how much Kylie was fawning over it. “Well?”

            “Well, I don’t think any color, exactly. Your eyes aren’t exactly the kind that just ‘pop’ out. But maybe you could try brown. Or, you know, you look great in purple.”

            Bailee knew Kylie was being nice and giving her honest advice, but it was still discouraging to hear that her eyes weren’t the kind that could ‘pop’. Wasn’t there something that could make her more attractive?

            Suddenly Kylie jumped up. “Oh, Bailee, I have something that would look great on you!” As Kylie rummaged around in her forever messy closet, Bailee sank to the edge of her bed, wondering why Kylie got to have such a great party when the only parties Bailee had ever had were with her family at her house… and sometimes Miles. Why was it that Kylie suddenly got to have this fantastic party with all these friends?

            “Here it is!” Kylie surfaced, triumphantly holding up a pretty purple top. “I think this will fit you, Bailee. Come on, try it on.”

            Bailee quickly put on the purple shirt, standing in front of the mirror as Kylie adjusted it—pulling it a little here, a little there. “Well?”

            “I… I like it.”

            “You can wear it tonight, ok? It looks great on you, and it really goes well with your eyes and hair.” Kylie smiled indulgingly.

            Bailee did agree that it looked good on her. Impulsively she threw her arms around her sister. “Thanks, sis.”

            “You’re welcome. Now… we better get ready ‘cause we have to leave soon.” And with that, Kylie held up the dress one last time. “I think I will wear this after all.”