Chapter Nine

Nine

            There was a knock on the door and Bailee let Kylie answer it.

            “Who would be… oh! Hi, Riley.” Bailee heard Kylie muttering as she went to the door. Bailee rubbed her forehead. She should’ve said no; this was definitely going to add fuel to Kylie’s fire. Now she would never stop bugging Bailee about Riley.

            Bailee heard muted conversation, but waited until Kylie came and got her with a knowing smile.

            “Hi.” She said simply when she saw him. She didn’t want to admit it, but he really did look good in his jeans and dark gray t-shirt with his hair all ruffled from the wind. She doubted that it was ever all combed over one way or in any order.

            He smiled, his straight white teeth a dazzling contrast with his tan skin. “Hey. You ready?”

            “For what?”

            “Oh, I thought that we might just walk around your neighborhood if that’s ok with you. I’m tired of being cramped in my grandparents’ home all the time.”

            “Oh. Ok. Well, I’ll be right back.” Bailee went back to her room and slipped on some sandals and grabbed a sweater on the slight chance that she might need one. Then she went back out to the living room where Riley was waiting, and opened the front door, motioning him out. He beat her to the complex’s front door and held it open for her, and they started down the sidewalk.

           “So can I come and fix your Jeep tomorrow morning? That would be the best time, ‘cause my Gramps has a doctor’s appointment at 8:00.”

            “What are you, a jack-of-all-trades?”

            “No, my dad just happened to teach me a thing or two about being a man and keeping a house.”

            Bailee sighed. “I won’t be here in the morning, but Kylie will. I suppose I can use her car for work while you fix Janie.”

            “Who?”

            Why did she keep calling Janie that in front of people? They very obviously didn’t know who she was talking about. “Uh, my Jeep. Janie.”

            Riley looked at her strangely. “You named it?”

            “Of course.” It’s the thing to do, don’t you know? “And it’s a she.”

            He laughed. “Your car has a gender?” He laughed again. “That’s funny.”

            “I don’t see the humor at all, Riley. Personally, I know several people who have named cars.”

            “Really? Who?” He looked at her with a challenge sparkling in his gray eyes.

            “Umm… well, there’s…” why had she said that? She couldn’t think of anyone.

            “That’s what I thought. You’re the strange one, I think.”

They lapsed into silence. If Bailee could’ve picked another day to walk, she would’ve. She’d wanted to honor her mother’s memory today. Wanted to remember everything that used to be… get away from reality for a while. But Riley had prevented that. And now here he was embracing the beautiful day with his face pointed upward like nothing in the world was wrong. But everything was wrong. Everything. How could she amble along and pretend that everything was great when it wasn’t?

            “Wanna talk about it?”

            Riley was watching her. For how long he had been she didn’t know. She attempted to smile, but she was sure the effort wasn’t in her eyes. “Not really.”

            Riley searched her eyes. “You sure? You’ve got about a million lines across your forehead.”

            A million lines across my forehead? She turned away and kept walking. She might be being rude, but he was the one with the idea to walk, not her. She didn’t really want to walk, and she definitely didn’t want to talk.

            Riley wisely kept quiet but kept pace with her, his arms swinging leisurely.

            “Seven years ago today my mom died.” There. She’d said it.

            Riley stopped. “What?”

            “You heard. She died. Seven years ago.” She turned and looked at him. “There. You happy? You wanted to know. Now you do.” Why was she being so mean? She didn’t know. She only knew that there was a horrible pain in her heart… in the place where it had been broken and now repaired, but not fully healed. A terrible scar lashed through her heart, an angry welt.

            She didn’t want to be cruel or angry, only wanted the hurt to stop. She wanted to take it out on someone, but she didn’t know who. Riley was the only one around. So she felt bad, but she didn’t say it. Just stood there watching him. Watching the slide of emotions flash across his face. Shock, confusion, and then hurt.

            “I’m sorry, Bailee… I don’t know what to say.”

            “Then don’t say anything.” Her voice softened some. “Come on, let’s keep walking.” He hesitated, but then started walking again; the hurt she’d caused him etched noticeably on his features.

            “I’m sorry, Riley. I didn’t mean to be angry at you. It’s just that… you know, the one I’d really like to be angry at isn’t here, and—” she stopped abruptly. She’d already said too much. She walked faster, but of course Riley had no trouble keeping up. Why did he have to be like this? Why was he so persistent? Was it not ok to just let things be, leave what’s from the past in the past?

            “Who is it that you’d like to be angry at?” His tone was gentle, but she could see the curiousness in his eyes.

            “Never mind. I shouldn’t have even said that.” They were nearing a park, and Bailee turned into the entrance.

            “Why?” When Bailee didn’t answer he grabbed her arms, preventing her from evading his questions. She flinched at his touch and the fright and panic must have shown on her face, because he dropped her like she was on fire. He rubbed the back of his neck in an agitated motion, looked away, and then looked back. “I’m sorry. But why, Bailee?”

            She looked up at him, her chest heaving up and down. How could she tell him? He wouldn’t be able to bear the truth. Once he found out he would forsake her, just as her other friends did. Tears rose in her eyes and she looked away. She couldn’t tell him.

            “Bailee? We’re friends. You said so yourself. Why can’t you trust me? Why can’t you tell me?”

            “I didn’t ask for this,” she said, raising a helpless hand and then letting it flop to her side again. A single tear trickled down her face. “I didn’t want a friend… I…” It was too much and her voice broke on a sob.

            “Shh. Don’t cry.” Riley only hesitated a moment before taking her in his arms, and this time she didn’t resist. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I asked. I won’t ask you again. Your past is yours. You share it when you want to—if you want to— and I’ll respect your privacy.”

            The solidity and warmth of his arms and words felt good, and Bailee stayed there till her tears were done. Finally, after only about a minute she pulled back and wiped her hands over her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

            “No, it’s my fault. Are you ok?” Riley looked at her with concern and sympathy.

            “Yes, I’m fine. Are you ready to keep walking?” It was a silly question with what was going on, but she wanted so much to stop thinking about her past, about what had been on her mind all day and think about normal things.

            “If you are.”

            Bailee knew he still wanted to know, but he was a gentleman and she knew he would honor his promise.

She almost gave into the temptation to tell him, but how could she? Why would she?

            We’re friends, Bailee… We trust… He wanted her to trust him. But after she told him, would he still want that trust? Bailee wasn’t so sure. There was only one way to find out, but Bailee wasn’t sure she wanted to risk it. She had spent seven years building walls around her heart, and she wasn’t going to let some guy—no matter how good-looking and irresistible—to come waltzing in and break it all down. She had only recently perfected the art of keeping her feelings enclosed in her wall like a little fort, and to let them out would be to destroy the very her. Yet, looking into Riley’s genuinely caring and concerned face, she was almost tempted to completely spill everything and let him decide whether she was worth it or not.

She led the way to a park bench to sit, and Riley followed.

            They sat there in silence for several moments before Bailee looked at him. “You really wanna know?”

            Riley looked deep into her eyes. “Yes. I do. You think that whatever it is will make me not want to be your friend, Bailee, but you’re wrong. I will be your friend, no matter what you tell me. I’m not going away.”

            We’ll see… “Ok, then.” No going back. She’d offered, now she couldn’t take it away.

She looked away again, and the memories came rushing back in a torrent. Usually she pushed them away, but this time she let them come, let them surround her. The cutting, painful memories of times long past, of her childhood. She let them rush over her, enduring the ache they brought with them. This was her life. And no matter how much she tried to shut it out, it was there. And it would always be there. It wasn’t going away. But maybe telling it would help.

            So, she let herself lean back on the bench and get lost in the swirling of her memories. Every little detail, every little thing of every little moment came back as if they’d happened only a minute ago. And as they did, she shared them with Riley.