Chapter Eight

Eight

                Riley ran his fingers through his hair before starting his truck. It wasn’t supposed to work out quite that way. Lord?

            He would figure something out. He just wasn’t sure what. He wanted Bailee to tell him why she didn’t date. If she told him he wouldn’t keep pressing. But she wouldn’t. And he wanted her to tell him about her “heartache” that Austin had talked about. He wanted to know all about her, but he couldn’t until she stopped closing herself up. He had to break down her wall somehow, but he wasn’t sure how to do it. She was like a high fence, and he was like the little kid too curious, jumping to see, and only being able to catch little glances of what was inside.

Austin asking him to fix Kylie’s sink hadn’t been so Riley could see more of Bailee. In fact, he hadn’t even been sure that he would see her. But clearly Bailee had thought he thought he would. He could see it on her face when she’d opened the door. If only he could make her see. Make her trust him.

Friends was good. All relationships started with friends. He could work towards something more. But only if she let him, which was questionable.

            Riley pulled into the driveway of his grandparents’ home and got out, heading to the barn. Gramps hadn’t been very happy this morning when Riley had told him that he would be gone this afternoon, but Riley had pretended not to see. Now he had to go and make up for it, work extra hard this afternoon so he would be back in Gramps good graces.

            “Hi, Gramps.” Riley waved.

            Gramps didn’t even spare him a glance. “Need a piece cut, if you don’t mind.” Gramps motioned him over, and Riley went to see where. After he measured he took the piece of wood and cut it. As he was taking the wood back to his Gramps, it dawned on him that today, April third, was Bethanie’s birthday. She would be turning twenty-eight. He’d have to call her later.

            Riley rolled up his sleeves and got to work, the only noise the pounding of hammers and the sound of moos from the pasture. After about an hour, Grams came out of the house with a tray, her floral skirt billowing and flapping in the wind like a sheet on a clothes line.

            “Hello, boys. I brought you some water.” She set the tray down on the ground.

            “Thanks, Grams.” Riley left his work and quickly gulped down his whole glass. Gramps was a little slower getting there, and neither grandson nor wife missed the sheen of sweat over his whole face, or the way he panted.

            Grams laid a hand on his arm and gave him a concerned look. “I think you better take a rest, hon’. You don’t want to overexert yourself and repeat what happened last summer.”

            Gramps took the last swig of his water and handed the cup to his wife. “Thanks for caring, sweets, but I’ll be fine. Riley?”

            “Coming. Thanks for the water, Grams.”

           

            After dinner was over, Riley dialed Bethanie’s number on his cell phone and went out to the back porch for privacy. He leaned against the porch railing as he waited for his sister to pick up.

            “Hello?”

            “Hello, Bethanie. Happy birthday!”

            “Thanks, Riley! It’s good to hear from you. What’s up?”

            “I’m helping Gramps rebuild his barn. I’ve been here for a couple weeks now. We don’t have much more to do, although I might still stay here for a while.”

            “Oh, really?” Riley heard the interest in Bethanie’s voice. “Why’s that?”

            Riley acted nonchalant. “Oh, no reason, really…”

            “Uh-huh. Right. There’s a girl.”

            It wasn’t a question. His sister knew him too well. “Why do you think that?”

            Bethanie chuckled. “I know you, Riley. What’s her name?”

            “Bailee. But it’s not for sure, Bethanie.”

            “So what about your apartment in Kentucky?”

            “Well, Matt’s house-sitting for now. He doesn’t have a house right now, so he can basically house-sit for as long as needed.”

            “I see.”

            “How’s Mom?” Riley moved a little further away from the back door where he could see Gramps trying to listen unobtrusively. Gramps didn’t approve of Mom and Dad’s decision—of course none of them did—but Gramps was very vocal about his thoughts. Constantly.

            “Well, she’s trying to hold up and pretend nothing’s wrong, but Rick and I can both see through her façade. I know it was her decision, but she’s not quite as fine as she thinks she is. Have you talked to Dad?”

            “Not since I left. You?”

             “He called today. He sounds pretty down, and I really felt bad for him. I would visit if I could, but you know…”

            “Yeah. I know.”

            “You should really try to see him, Riley. Maybe not go home to stay, but at least visit. He needs someone.”

            “I’ll do that.”

            “Promise?”

            Riley sighed. “Promise.”

            “Well, thanks for calling, Riley. I gotta go. Love you.”

            “Love you too, sis. Tell Mom I said hi. Bye.” Riley hung up and held the phone loosely in his hand. He’d promised his sister. Now he had to go back to Kentucky at some point. But if Gramps and Gran were willing to let him stay here longer, he might just come back.

            Sunday after Kylie got home from church, Bailee took Janie and set out for Maple Hill Cemetery. She had canceled the appointment to get her mirror fixed, since she would feel bad if she didn’t let Riley fix it. Especially since he’d fixed the sink.

 The twenty minute drive gave her time to think. Today was April fourth. Seven years ago today Mom was killed. Seven years ago today was the worst day of her entire life. She liked to spend some time at the cemetery on her mother’s death date. She went there other times too, when she felt like she needed a listening ear. It didn’t matter whether Mom was lying cold in a cemetery, Bailee still felt like she was listening.

            She was sure her other sisters would probably come here sometime today. Ava might not find time, but definitely Sydney and Kylie. Today Bailee wanted to come alone. She wanted to talk to her mother, and sometimes she felt like she couldn’t do that with her sisters there.

            Bailee pulled into the gated driveway of the cemetery and wound the car through the fields of graves until she came to the right one. Stepping out of the car, she went to the grave, reading the inscription on the stone as she always did. Courtney Mae Stevens. Loving wife, devoted mother, and faithful servant. Bailee placed a bunch of pink carnations by the stone. They were her mother’s favorite flower.

            “Mom…” Bailee sat cross-legged on the grass in front of the grave. “Mom… I wish you were here.” Bailee’s short hair whipped around her face, but she didn’t even notice. She pictured her mother with her sweet, gentle eyes, blue like Kylie’s and Sydney’s, and her careworn face. She had often told her girls that they were what kept her going. They were what made her want to live another day.

            Bailee remembered that no matter how early she used to get up, Mom was always in the kitchen fixing something. She used to wake up and sit in the kitchen, just watching her. Mom would always give her a little of what she was making, whether it was cinnamon rolls, or fruit, or pancakes. She used to make pancakes in special shapes. A B for Bailee, K for Kylie, and so on. Bailee could remember so many things from her mother, but probably the thing that most stood out was her rock-solid faith. It didn’t matter that Dad came home most nights drunk—if he came home at all— or that eventually he’d lost his job, forcing Mom to work. She’d never stopped praising the Lord. She’d never been full of despair if she was so weak and bruised from a beating that she couldn’t take care of her little girls. She’d thank God. Bailee had never seen a stronger faith. Never seen someone more deeply bedded in God than her sweet, godly mother.

            Dad had scoffed at Mom’s faith. He’d said it was pointless, childish, and unreal. He’d yell at her for taking the girls to church, but that was one thing Mama never had relented on. She’d suffered slaps and blows for standing up to him on that, but no matter what, she never backed down. Mom had always said she’d found God soon after Bailee was born. She hadn’t known how she’d get through without Him. Mom had talked to Dad about Him before, but he’d never listened.

            Dad. Bailee wondered what he was thinking on this day. Was he full of regret? Anguish that he’d messed up his life and his daughters’? Destroyed the life of his wife? Did he care? Bailee wondered, but found she really, truly didn’t know the answer. She didn’t know Dad. She’d thought she did, but then the next minute he’d proved her wrong.

            A tear fell from her cheek and landed on her jeans, causing a wet spot. “Mom, I miss you so much. You should be here.” God? Bailee lifted her tear-streaked face to the sky. The bright and happy sun beat down like a mocker to her dark pain and sorrow.

 “Was it too much, God? Did you have to take her too? If you were going to take anyone, why not only Dad? Why’d you have to take Mom? We needed her. We still do need her. I need more…”

            I’m always enough.

            Bailee looked around. The voice had been so audible; she would’ve thought someone real was talking to her. Was that God? And if so, why? Why was He bothering with her? She, who had in no uncertain terms betrayed Him, denied Him, said she didn’t need Him. Who’d scoffed in His face. Told Him she hated Him. Why would He seek her?

            Bailee shook the thoughts away. She’d come here to talk to Mom; not reminisce about the old days or speak with God.

            She sighed and wiped her fingers under her eyes. “So, Mom, there’s this guy. He seems interested in me, and it’s hard to keep telling him no. I wish you were here to tell me what I should do. Kylie’s all for it, of course, even though she and I signed an agreement about not getting married. And you know that Sydney is against marriage. Ava’s married; but she doesn’t even know about Riley. What do you think, Mom? You think I should go ahead?” Bailee listened to the rushing wind speaking whispers through the trees.

            “Yeah, that’s what I thought. No falling. I don’t want to risk a marriage like yours, Mama. I don’t want to mess up. I’m scared to have children.” Andrew Bean invaded her mind but she shoved him away. She was done with him. She wouldn’t bring him up with Mom. She couldn’t stand to let him reside in the peacefulness of the cemetery; not when thinking his name brought cold slivers of fear slithering up her arms and back.

            Bailee rubbed her bare arms, suddenly wishing she’d worn more than her thin cotton shirt. It was a pretty, sunny day, but it did nothing to warm the icicles coming from within.

            Bailee sat a while longer with her mother before finally leaning forward to kiss the carnations, then standing.

            “By, Mom. I love you.” Bailee sniffed and wiped off the seat of her jeans. “Thanks for listening like you always do.” She touched the headstone, then made her way back to Kylie’s car. She needed to pick up Janie, but she would wait till tomorrow.  

            Bailee kept the drive on the way home silent, her thoughts drifting around in her head, not many of them making sense. She pulled into the apartment building’s parking lot and got out, wondering what she should do. She didn’t want to sit around at home and do nothing. That would leave too much room for memories and thoughts that she didn’t want to be there. But she didn’t have anything else to do either. She didn’t make big plans, but for once today she wished she had.

            When she walked in the door of their home, Kylie was standing there with something held behind her back, smiling.

            Bailee didn’t feel like communicating with her, or being excited about whatever she had. But she didn’t want to hurt her sister’s feelings so she stood there politely.

            “Well?”

            “Well what?”

            “Aren’t you going to ask what I have?”

            “I—”

            “It’s for you!”

            Oh no. “What do you have, Kylie?”

            Kylie pulled a bag from behind her back and held it up proudly. The fish inside darted around, unpleased about its present home.

            Bailee put a hand to her forehead. I told her no more fish. I don’t want to be accountable for any more fish! No, Kylie! No, no, no! “Why did you get me another fish?” Bailee tried to hide the agitated edge, but it didn’t work very well.

            Kylie’s smile faltered slightly, but she held the bag closer to Bailee’s face. “But it’s not just a goldfish. I got you a beta this time; you might be able to keep that alive a little better, and look—” she held up a can of fish food, “—I even bought you some beta food.”

            Bailee smiled, though she figured it looked a little forced. “Thanks, Kylie. You’re sweet.” She reached for the bag, and Kylie gave it to her, pushing the food into her other hand.

            As Bailee took the fish back to her bedroom she debated at what to name it. It really was a beautiful fish with its blue, red, and purple colorings, if you liked betas. But Bailee didn’t. She didn’t want this nuisance. “That’s what I’ll call you,” she muttered as she prepared the fish’s home in her fishbowl. “Nuisance.” Nuisance darted here and there, checking out his new house. Bailee fed him a few pellets of food, then sat at her desk and opened her laptop. She supposed she could check her email and other things online.

            Her phone rang and she jumped. She fished it out of her pocket and looked at the caller id, frowning when she didn’t recognize the number. “Hello?”

            “Bailee?”

            “Is this Riley?”

            “Yes. Hi!”

            Why so cheery? “How did you get my number?”

            “Simple. I asked Austin, and he gave it to me.”

            Bailee leaned back in her chair. “So? What do you need?”

            “Are you busy?”

            Bailee wanted to tell him yes, but in truth, she was about to die from lack of something to occupy her. She decided not to lie. “No.”

            “Great. Do you want to do something? Walk, go out… you know, just hang out.”

            Bailee put a finger to the spot between her eyebrows and rubbed. “Um—”

            “As friends, of course.” She could hear the sarcasm in his voice.

            “You’re not very interested in this friends thing.”

            “As a matter of fact, no, I’m not. But it doesn’t matter if it’s what you want.”

            If it’s what I want…

            “So what do you say?”

            “I don’t know, Riley…”

            “You sound like you could use a friend. I’m coming over, and I’ll be there in about thirty minutes, so be ready.” With that he hung up.

            What is it with these guys who like to just barge in here without my consent? Andrew… Riley… Although Riley was nothing like Andrew. Not even a smidgen of a bit. Riley didn’t threaten and scare. Or at least he hadn’t, and Bailee couldn’t picture him doing it.

            Bailee sighed and stood. She guessed there was no way out; she was going to have to do something with Riley, and she might as well be ready for it.

Chapter Seven

Seven

Bailee closed her bedroom door and pulled out her phone. She’d call Austen, then make a note to herself to call the place that Mr. Says had recommended. She’d get the number out when she was finished with her call.

Austin answered on the third ring. “Bailee, hi. What’s up?”

She told him what she needed. “If you can’t come, it’s ok. I can call a plumber. Kylie just told me you were good at fixing leaks.”

He chuckled. “Well, I don’t know how good I am, but I can fix them. I can come over tomorrow, but I’m not sure what time.”

“Ok, great. Thanks so much! And just text me when you find out what time. Anything in the afternoon should be fine.” She said goodbye and hung up, then searched her purse for the number from Mr. Says before she forgot. Strangely, it wasn’t there. She dumped out all the contents, and still there was no paper. It was then that she remembered dropping her purse on the sidewalk. The number had probably fallen out, but it would be too hard to try to find it in the dark. She’d wait till morning and then look.

Come morning, Bailee looked for the scrap of paper with the number as she headed out for work, but still didn’t see it. It had probably blown away. She would call Gail after work and see if she could ask Mr. Says. She’d rather save as much money as possible, and if she could save a little on fixing her mirror, she’d rather. A penny saved, is a penny earned, Mr. Says would say. Of course, she could take Riley up on his offer to fix it for free. But then, she’d still be obligated to pay him, and she would much rather pay an automobile company than Riley. She got into her car and tried to start it. It stalled.

“Come on, Janie.” She tried again, and this time the Jeep puttered to life. “Thata girl.”

As she pulled out to the main road she rolled down her windows. Today was gorgeous with its beautiful blue sky without a cloud in sight. The weather was destined to near seventy degrees today, or so the weatherman said.

She reached work after about fifteen minutes of driving. She hopped out, pressed the lock button on her car remote—causing a high-pitched beep—and headed into the daycare.

“Hi there,” Mary-Lou welcomed brightly as Bailee walked through the automatic sliding doors.

“Hi, Mary-Lou,” Bailee raised a hand in greeting.

“Still not got your mirror fixed, huh?”

Bailee leaned an elbow on the front desk. “Planning on it today.”

Just then a woman with medium-length copper hair walked in with a little boy skipping beside her.

Bailee straightened. “Hi, Mrs. Walker.” She knelt down in front of the little boy with shaggy, sandy hair and sweet smile. “Hi, Mike. How are you today?”

Mike grinned, showing a missing front tooth. “Good, Miss Bailee.” He pointed at his tooth— or lack, thereof. “See my tooth? It’s gone!” He proudly smiled again.

Bailee smiled too. “I see it. Now it’ll grow back big and strong. Like mine!”

“I want man teeth!” Mike exclaimed.

Bailee chuckled and stood up. “You will, Mikey,” she promised.

Bailee took Mikey into a room where several other children already were, playing and having fun. She heard a loud scream; one made of hurt, not anger, and noticed little bully Sid trot off from one of the corners like nothing was wrong, leaving a little girl in pigtail braids sobbing. Bailee headed in that direction, having a feeling it was going to be one of those days.

That afternoon, when she was home from work, she waited for a text from Austin to hear when he’d be by. While she waited she called Gail Hatchet, who was able to locate Mr. Says, who was able to locate the number and give it to her again. She then arranged to take her car in so her mirror would be fixed, knowing she and Kylie would have to rearrange schedules and make car arrangements for a little while.

Her phone buzzed while she was reading a book. He’ll be there in ten minutes. The text said.  She frowned. He? Austin was coming, and Austin had sent the text. She shrugged, and replied, thanking him. She didn’t care if he sent someone else, as long as they were capable of fixing her sink—or Kylie’s, rather.

Approximately fifteen minutes later there was a brisk knock on the apartment door. Bailee rose from the couch and stretched, then answered the door. But, instead of seeing Austin’s lanky figure as she’d expected, Riley’s tall, broad form filled the doorway. What?? Anyone but him, Austin. Anyone but him. What is it with you guys ganging up on me? You’re not good matchmakers.

Bailee realized he’d been standing there for several seconds. She motioned him inside and shut the door, then asked, “Where’s Austin?”

Riley made a cursory glance around the apartment, his gaze finally settling on her. “Hi, it’s nice to see you too.” He smirked. “He ended up not being able to make it. Something with his mother came up.”

            Something had happened to their mother? And Amy hadn’t told her?

            “What happened?”

            Riley shrugged. “Don’t know. Austin didn’t say. Just said she needed him and Amy and it was important.”

            Bailee thought of Mrs. Burg, the spry four-feet, nine-inch woman who thought she could take on the world if she wanted. Mr. Burg was hardly around. Something to do with his job. She didn’t really know; she never even really saw Don Burg. She just knew that Cara Burg lived alone quite often in her little apartment in New York City.

            “Uh, Bailee?”

            “Oh, yes. Sorry.” She led him to the kitchen sink. “Here it is. I’m so glad you’ve come.”

            He looked at her with a little grin on his face.

            “Uh, I mean so you can fix the faucet,” she stammered, feeling the need to explain. Why would he pretend to read more into her statement than there was? Was there more to it? She shook herself. Of course there wasn’t, it was just this annoying man that made her second-guess herself.

            “I know.” Riley rolled up his sleeves, exposing tanned forearms, and took his time examining the faucet and pipes. Bailee soon forsook him, sitting back down on the couch to read with her feet tucked under her. It wasn’t long after that she felt his eyes on her. She looked up. There he was, crouched in front of the sink, with its cabinet doors propped open and things pulled out of it, studying her with something in his eyes that she couldn’t read.

            She snapped the book shut. “Do you need something? We don’t have many things in the way of tools, but…”

            “No.” He murmured. He looked at her for a second longer and then turned back to his work.

            Bailee opened the book and looked at the page, but didn’t read. What she wanted to do was move out of his line of sight, but that would mean retreating to one of the bedrooms. Besides, that would be too obvious, getting up and leaving like that. But it flustered her when every time she looked up she caught him gazing. She glanced up again, expecting to see him watching her, but he wasn’t. It gave her the chance to peruse him. He really was good-looking. He had a strong chin and a long nose. She couldn’t really see his eyes, but knew the color. The tan of his face made them stick out in stark reality. Dark eyebrows, dark hair that was the perfect length between too short and too long, slightly wa—

            He glanced over and she turned red, embarrassed to be the one caught looking when it hadn’t been her intention in the first place. She stood up abruptly, not missing the slight upturn of his mouth. He seemed pleased; as if he was happy he had caught her.

            “I think I’ll be back here if you need me.” She indicated her bedroom and then left him. It might have been the coward thing to do, but she couldn’t just sit there and pretend nothing was going on, when in truth, very much was passing through the air. As much as she wanted to deny it, she was attracted to him. And now that she knew, she wanted her feelings to just magically convert to how she wanted—no, needed—them to be. But they couldn’t.

Bailee exhaled hard and sat on the edge of her bed. The very last thing she wanted to do is let him know how she felt, since he already seemed set on winning her anyway. When he was finished with the sink she would set rules. She would tell him that she was never going to be interested in him, or anyone. She wouldn’t tell him why; that wasn’t his business to know. But they could be friends. Even good friends.

Bailee’s gaze settled on the picture on her nightstand of her with her mother and sisters. Mom, why aren’t you here? Why can’t you be here to give me advice? I really need it right now. I really need you, too. Pictures and memories aren’t enough.

She picked up the picture and kissed her mom’s face. “I love you, Mom.” Maybe it was silly, always touching and kissing the picture, but it was what Bailee had—all she had. She needed something. Mom had been gone for seven years—well, almost seven. So why didn’t she feel like the pain was lessening? Why, whenever she saw an image of her mother, was there deep, deep sorrow winding through the caverns of her heart? Whenever she thought of her mother, she thought of her father. That always brought on such a strong stave of hatred. Sometimes it scared her; this great ability to hate, to be bitter. The nightmares didn’t help either. All they brought was more fright and anger. Why couldn’t she remember her father for the loving man he used to be? Or that everyone said he was? Sometimes she thought she could picture loving, sparkling eyes and deep laughter. But she didn’t know if it was real. Maybe it was as imagined as the horrible red eyes in the nightmares. How could one person just change like that? Night and day difference? No one ever really talked about how Dad was before, at least not around Bailee. There’d been passing remarks like, “We used to love doing that before…” or, “I went there with Dad once before.” Bailee could only recall angry glares and scowls. Hangovers and headaches. Times when he was out cold and no matter what you did to him, he wouldn’t wake up. When Bailee was little she used to find Dad on the couch with one arm hanging off, and she’d sit there quietly, watching him, wondering what made him different from the other dads she saw. The ones of all her friends, who held their children’s hands, and sang and read to them, who told them they loved them and never hit them. She’d make up excuses at school about tripping over something and falling, or that she ran into something when she came in with a bruise on her cheek. She wasn’t sure her teacher always believed her, because sometimes she’d come in with them quite often. But back then she’d wanted to protect him. She’d wanted him to change. But he hadn’t. And he never would now.

A soft tap at her door made her jump. She rose and opened her bedroom door. Riley stood at the entrance.

“Sorry to bother you, Bailee, but your sink is fixed.”

Bailee shut her door behind her and Riley followed her out to the living room. “Thank you so much, Riley. What do I owe you?”

Riley seemed to contemplate it. “How about a date?”

And… there goes my speech. “Sorry, but no.”

“Bailee, I fixed your sink—”

“It’s actually Kylie’s sink.”
            “Ok, well she’s not here right now. And you’re the one who asked what you owe. Why not, Bailee? Why don’t you date?”

Bailee sighed and rubbed her forehead. “It’s complicated. I just don’t.”

“You’ve never gone out. Ever.” Riley crossed his arms and stared at her obstinately.

Bailee’s hand dropped. “Yes. Yes, ok? I’ve gone out.” Why did she let him fluster her?

“So why not with me?”

 “Because…” She glanced at him then looked away. Because I’m already too attracted to you. I can’t afford to lose control.

Before she knew what was happening, Riley was leaning down to kiss her, cradling her face in his hands. It was like an electric current, almost holding her captive with a strong pull to return his fervor, and yet, she couldn’t. It filled her with a horrible panic that welled in her chest, preventing breath from reaching her lungs. She gasped and pushed him away, stumbling away from him, bumping into the couch with her legs. “What… why did you do that?” She whispered, tears filling her eyes.

Riley rubbed the back of his neck agitatedly and slashed his fingers through his hair as his cheeks turned red. “I don’t know, Bailee. I’m sorry.” He turned away, then back at her. “Really, I’m sorry.”

Bailee looked away and swiped at a tear that threatened to break loose.

Riley leaned close. “Aw, Bailee, don’t cry. I’m sorry.” He gently reached to wipe a tear away but she held up her hands in a frantic motion of fending him off. “Do not touch me!” His face blurred before her in a cloud of tears, and she blinked rapidly.

“Bailee…” Riley held out a helpless hand.

Bailee swallowed hard. “See? That can’t happen, Riley. No, it cannot happen! Don’t you see?” She was looking him in his eyes now, hers pleading with his, ignoring the tears that trickled down her cheeks.

Riley studied her. When he spoke his voice was quiet. “I’m sorry I made you cry Bailee. Really I am. And I’m sorry that I kissed you. But… what now? You wanna just pretend that whatever happened a minute ago didn’t?” He jabbed a finger at her. “‘Cause you know as well as I that it did. You felt it too, I know you did.”

“No. I mean, yes. Yes, I felt it. But it can’t happen again. It’s important to me, Riley. Promise me it won’t happen again. Let’s just be friends. Only friends.” Her voice broke.

He didn’t agree. He just looked at her with an unreadable gaze, looked until she looked away.

“Please, Riley? Will you agree?”

He ran his fingers through his hair—causing it to stick up in interesting angles—and stepped away. “Fine. Whatever you say.”

She saw hurt and confusion in his eyes, along with a touch of empathy, but she couldn’t help but feel relief.

He collected his tools and headed to the door. Just before opening it, Bailee called to him, “Riley? You never told me what I owe you.”

He didn’t turn around. “I’ll fix your Jeep for you.” He opened the door and left.